Chess Quest Gose to Reno
skeleton script

Authors note:
This is my script. Its not that great, maybe its not even good, but it was fun to write and in the end that’s whats importaint. The original, finished script, was left at an ex girlfreinds house and theres basiclly no chance of getting it back, so im asking for you help readers, submit any and all ideas to me, and if I like them, ill use them and eventually we can work out some kind of ending.  Oh yeah, the first scene is cut because it sucks, feel free to send in ideas for that too.

((( Joe note: Comments/suggestions/etc. may be directed to camus_in_revolt@ou.edu )))

<n2> hey is this an offcial meeting? 
<n1> yeah! where is everybody?
-door bell-
(camera cuts to door)
(door opens on a nerd who looks like he just enduredured a five day non stop 
binge of MUDing, IRC, Usenet, caffine and every sugar laced carcinogen in the book)
(what book?)
<n2> hey norbert. hows withdrawl going?
(authors note: none of this is spell checked. Ha.)
<nor> terrible. remind me why i quit again
<n2> you had a 36 hour sugar binge and blacked out, you woke up naked in a hencoop in lawton.
<nor>its all kind of a haze after about the 40th jumbo pixie stick
dark. terribly dark.
<n2> well, come on upstairs
<nor> i  cant....move
( n2 holds out his arms, expecting norbert to fall into them so he can drag him up)
<n2> come on.
<nor> no (he looks pretty upset, like hes about to cry)
<n2> come on. you know whats right, its ok. come to mama
<nor> *sniff* oh..kaaay
(falls into n2's arms)
(scenes of n2 darggin norbert around, gose to kitchen, gets pepsi, continues
dragging norbert upstairs)
(camera opens on room (this is modeled on matt bromagins house btw)
<n1> good. everyones here (leaves and shuts the door)
<n2> oh god. not again.
<n1> ok play my enterance music
(n2 shakes head and press's play)
-imperiel storm trooper music-
(n1 enters, impeirly of course, ie: striding pompusly)
<n1>secretary, reports the status of  attendence in the room
(camera cuts to nor, sleeping)
(n1 looks at n2, annoyed)
<n1> (harshly wispered ) work his mouth!
<n2> (walks over and puts fingers on norberts lips and (badly) ventriloquizes 
"all members present and attendting sir"-(in hight voice)
<n1> good, all members are present, n2, take the minutes
<n2> (picks up notebook his back is turned and he says) "guess what?  i have great   new-
<n1> address the chair.
(n2 rolls eyes and turns toward chair)
<n2> the tresure recognizes the worth of the cahira and realize's  just how precious 
its feelings are, the knows that the chair may have problems with inferiority, and 
that this is, in some part, a motivation for the behavior's of the chair, the tresure
recognises the organism of the chair and wish's it well on its jouney toward self
actualisation.
<camera cuts to n1>
<n2> -pause-
 the bastard siting in it however, should die slowly and painfully as the tresure dosent
give a flying fuck about his feelings, parlimentary procedure, or star wars!
-pause-
Now, we have just enough cash in the bank to make it this year to the chess questers
convention in reno, where we  will beat the holy living fuck out of the 3lektronik chess
uber men. 
<n1> shindy bastards/ they couldnt checkmate thier way out of a....
<nor> (muttering).....rip in the time/space continum
<n1> I cant belive they beat us last year!
<n2> .... but I couldnt take his pawn! *breaks down* i couldnt take his pawn!!
<n1> (shatneresque) Get up man!
<n2> but i but i buh buh buh 
<n1> What have i told you??!!!
<n2> *sniff* (speaking in that just after cry voice) chess questers never cry they..
<n1> they What?!
<n2> they * big snort* Kill
<nor> (sleep talking) Kill.      <each about a second after the other, with a camera cut)
<n1> (excited, ) Kill!

-short, uncomfortable pause-
<n1> so....whos ready for reno?
<n2> ive got to pack, telll mom where im going to be for the next week
<n1> MOM???!!!??!! Damn you man! this is a CHESS TOURNAMENT! not some frilly, namby pamby,
limp wristed (caught up in the adjectives) nancy boy......Thing!
its about Adventure damnit! and each moment you spend packing and oh hoh ho Telling your mommy where your goiing (sarcastic) is a moment of life and and LIVING that you just..you just...you know throw someplace...like
<n2> the trash?
<n1> yeah! a mometn you just throw away! life is precoius and composed of a finite amount of spendable moments! each breath is a foretaste of death! (thank you, cd payne) weive got to live man! Live! live live live!!!
<n2> liiiive?
<n1> no, your doing it wrong, youve got to strech out the i's more and E-Noun-Ci-Ate!!!!
<n2> liiiiiiiiiiiive!!!
<n1> liiiiive!!!!
( this gose on for awhile...)
<n2> Yes!To the Chessmobile! or to our respective chess vehicles!!!! 
( this is just the way i want the line to be)
<n2> so uh... what about norbert?
-camera cuts to norbert, long since passed out-
<n1> get his legs, ill grab onto his shoulders

                                          ----------------------------------------------------------
                                          |                                                                            |
                                          |                                The Road                           |
                                          |                                                                            |
                                            -------------------------------------------------------  
(scene fades open on highway scenery going by at a pretty good pace, then cuts to n2s hands as he cracks open a diet, caffine free pepsi)
<n2> i wonder what reno's going to be like, never really been away from home before...
                                                      -beeper gose off-
(n2 checks number)
<n2> its mom, i should proably call her and let her know im....
-n1 rips beeper off n2 and tosses it out the window. hes silent for a second, like he's preparing an impromptu speech, the camera cuts to beeper on the road, allready receeding to a balck dot on the horizon

(they look at each other and say nothing for a second or so)
<n1> you know, i saw episode 113 last night
<n2> really?
<n1> (warming up) yeah! and its like, kirk says Screw the United Federation of Planets! you know? Screw these stupid Regulations!
<n2> SCREW THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!!!
<n1> Exactly! see, the romulens kill one of his one episode girlfreinds, and kirk ..he...HEADS STRAIGHT INTO THE FORBIDDEN ZONE!!! and photon torpedos the first ship he sees!!!
<n2> YEAH!!!
<n1> too bad it was a medical transport full of orphaned andorean children.
<n2> yeah. 
-pause- (they look at the road for a second, camera cuts to road)
<n1> but still....he SURE showed those romulens!!!!
<n2> no one likes the andoreans anyways. stupid fuzzy blue bastards.
<n1> yeah.....
<n2> hey do you really think it was nessecary to tie norbert up?
(camera cuts to norbert in back seat/trunk. sleeping? NO! hes wide awake and STRUGGILING!!!)
<n1> (dead pans) no.
<n2> (shouts back to norbert) "Dont worry norbert, we'll get to Reno soon!!
-------------fade out------------------
Note: n2 hasnt told anyone that the convention starts in about 3 weeks, plenty of time for adventures and malarky, when they find out he says he was rushed and he wanted 3 weeks to pack.
--------------
 the car is seen siloutted from behind by the rising sun and we see the guys waking up, n1 is driving.
they pull into a pancake house and untie norbert, all enter dadist waffle house (of insanity, buts thats redundent...)
-----------------[this scene isnt that great, needs editing, any ideas?]------------
-waitress greets guys
<w> Be Seated! <walks them to a table very briskly)
(on the way to the table)
Authors note: i apolgise for this speech, ill clairfy it and make it better later.
<w> the thing about insanity is being alone. the key to insanity lies in being deviant, in deviating from expected standards. In india it is quite normal to shove needles, sticks and sharpened pipes through your skin if your practicing rakei, but in amercia this is self mutilation. tell me the difference between anorexia and fasting. Now! Sit!
(all sit abruptly)
<w> To Drink! What have you?
<n1> water
<nor> grape juice
<n2> steak.
<w> grape juice, how clever how endlessly amusing, 
steak? Steak? why are you trying so hard to conform?  the sure road is death and you are surely roading! I am dying! Bring me a toothpick!
(stomps off)
<n1> (for apparently no reason) ahahahaha those crazy belgians. (suddenly gets a straight face)
(in a booth across form him two men are arguing )
<m1> language falsifys reality! AHHHHH
(staps duel forks into his eyes and collapse's on the table)
<m2> (points at prone body of his opponent) .....And there be enuches wich have made themselves enuchs for the kingdom of heavens sake!
(down from that table a man stands up, proclaims loudly that he is the son of god and rips off his shirt, spreading syrup all over his chest.)
(farther down another man is served a live perch in a gold fish bowl, he grabs the fish with both hands and grips it lightly in his mouth while it flaps wildly)
 (puts fish back in bowl, apparenly angry about the unwarrented slapping)
<geek> i fish thee to hell! and damned i proclaim loudly, "to where have my towels gone?! is this not perdition? this is no modern in this justice world! verum factum! 

(drinks are brought in, she slams them down befor thier respective order'ers, the steak folded in a glass, after this she carefully places a plate filled with water and ice beside the steak)
(she stares at n1)
<w> Why did you threaten to kill me?
<n1> i uhh..What????
(she grabs his jaw, pulls it foward and kiss's him like a sailor on leave. or something similar.)
<w> now i  return the threat. as you have threatend my live, my autonomy with your eyes.
(she then slaps him and walks off)
(n1 rubs his cheek and looks star struck)
(a man stands up & loudly proclaims "I am the Great Beast whos number is 616 657 6686!! the beast demands that you call after nine! Now i shall toss my bottle to the floor in impotent rage and  & the door shall open, after wich a 25 year old colombia grad named herbert mortis will order eggs benedict!")
(all this happens)
<herb> Eggs! Benedictine and not of the theological varity!

(the guys get up to leave and the waitress enters again)
<W> Gentlemen! Your order! try Not to Scream as it Consumes you & remember that not all Humans are Cruelty Free!
-she sets the orders to go, on the table-
<nor> we havent uhhh
<n1> we never uhh....Ordered. thats it!
<n2> Oh! Thank You!
(she gives n2 the eye)
<w>"You are a Raging Bull of Sexuality! you must children  my father! I ovulate in your name!!!
<n1> uhhh check please? -(pleadingly)
<w> (very angry) Filthy Capitalist Pig Dog!am i a whore to serve your diviant waffle house related needs?? (slaps n1 again)
<w> Out! March march march march march march march! not you! 
(she grabs n2 by the collar and kiss;s him like clark gable kissing scarlet o hare in that poster. or something similar. she then pushes him back in line.)
<w> harch! one two three ninetwelveeleveneighttwonine!
<alll three make a hasty exit with the food boxes)
(the car peels out and as the waffle house receeds we see that someone has soaped the windows with "Dadadadadadadadadadadadadada")
(car pulls in at a rest stop)
<n2> Pinapple and Fried bannana omlets!
<nor> eggs over angry! angent orange juice!
<n1> a burnt page from rememberance of things past! (see the jean paul sarte cookbook)
(all eat with vigor, n1 attempts to anyways., all talk abotu sci fi stuff and then fall asleep)
-fade out on nor's sleeping face-
all awaken in a forest, they are tied to the groudn ala` gullivers travels with safty pins and dental floss, a few seconds after waking a group of average sized men clad in felt green pointed boots and robin hood style hats surround them and jab them wiht fake looking spears)
<man with spear> towering freaks! no longer shall you trample elven kind underfoot!
(the bonds are then cut and questers are forced to walk with spears at thier backs)
<n1> why did you bother tieing us to the ground if your just going to make us get up anyways?
<elf> we had errands to do. besides thats an elven trademark
<n1> i thought the lilliputins....
<elf> Silence! stupid giants....

-big story board here 'Journey to the Center of the Village of the Elves!!!!!!!!!!'-
(they traverse a distance of two feet)
(The elf kind is seated in on several phone books the center of a large circle of people. he is in a highchair but the legs are cut so hes the same hight as norbert)
<ek> Capurnicas forgieners! no longer shall you crush us underfoot! <more stuff on imperielist giants>
<ek> Take them to...(dramatic pause) The Pit of Gracknor!!!!!
Authors note: im never going to live this down 
<ek's guards> The Pit of Gracknor?
<ek> The Pit of Gracknor!
-gaurds look confused_
<ek> you know the Venomus pit of Gracknor! the Malignant Pit of Gracknor! The Cancerous pit of Gracknor! and above all the Dank Dark smelly and spider infested Pit of Gracknor!
<ekg> (muttering to his pals) ..i think he means the old root cellar we found yesterday) (to king) You mean the abandoned cellar?
<EK> NO! The Pit of Gracknor! well...yes the basment but its Caaalled the 
<ekg> pit of gracknor?
<EK> yes mike, very good. you win a treat. the pit.....of gracknor.
<ekg> i dont know, its got all sorts of spiders and and its really dank and stuff and its got like...you know that stuff
<ek> that stuff?
<ekg> you know that pink fibery stuff
<ek> fiberglass?
<ekg> thats the stuff.
< EK> Yes! it has (great empahasis) Fiberous Glass! and Spiders! and Must! and....SILVERFISH!!!!!!
(n1 pulls out a gun and gives it to norbert)
<n1> Kill me damnit! I cant go down there!
<nor> i dont know if i can do that, i mean, theres ethical concerns here...
<n1> SILVERFISH!!!!
<nor> (still looks unconvinced)  lets wiegh the consequences, if i do it, in a few minutes youll be dead, but ill have to live with the guilt of killing a best freind for the rest of my life
<n1> you remember o'hura your pet fish?
<nor> yeah
<n1> you remember i told you i took him out for a walk and he ran away?
<nor> yeah......
<n1> well, you remember how he was alive last week?
<nor> yeah.
<n1> well, that didnt last
-pause-
<n1> so can you kill me now?
<nor> ok (readys the gun)
-just as norbert is about to shoot trumpets sound, something like the mr b intro music, and a high pitched voice squeaks 'members of A.R.M. attack!!!!-
(sunken chested men appear thier arms windmilling and flaing wildly)
(close ups of elves fighting be t-shirted arm members, arm members will lightly slap an elf or by grace of god accedentally hit them weakly and the elvs will fall down, you get the idea.)
<elf> mercy! uncle uncle i said uncle!!!! aww why wont he let my arm go!? i said uncle. did i get the point across to him adequetly that i said uncle? perhaps he is confused or his mind is elsewhere....
<ARM>(holding elf in sleeper hold) Crush them underfoot!!!!!
(scenes of ARM members stomping thier feet, hurting no one)
<elf> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHY MUST THE ELVES SUFFER OH GOD WHY??????
<ARM> elves?
<elf> yes! elves! 
<ARM> we thought you were aliens! 
<elf> But you Stomped us! 
<ARM> oh we allways do that, it dosent work most of the time but its intimidating
<elf> (looking at stomping members of arm) no, it isnt.
<ARM> well, no it isnt but its good for morale
<elf> YOU KILLED MY FATHER!!!!!
<father elf> (raises arm, he lying on the ground) im fine.
<elf> you Butchers! aww look what ya done to him ( in old hillbilly guy voice)
<ARM>ummm... retreat?
<ARM2> yeah why not
(all ARM members and the questers run off quickly to a white van with a spinning satilite dish on top)
<elf> Quickly! To The Green Meany!
(some of the elves pile into an elf green van)
 
(A 25 mph chase ensues, in wich both cars are passed more than 3 times by other cars, n2 is driving)
<n1> Your insane! your going to get us all Killed!
<n2> i know what im doing
<n1> Mavriiick!!!!
(all stare at n1)
<n1> what? im sorry...i just allways wanted to say..oh screw you guys
<n2> im going to set the cruise controll....at oh lets say THIRTY MILES AN HOUR!!!!!!(hes not being sarcastic )
<n1> Mavrick!
<nor> no man!youll kill us all! this ship cant handle those speeds!!!(this is like that one star trek when they go to warp 9 and its a really, really big deal)
<n2> heeey potholes ahead
<n1> Mavrick!
(car starts shaking)
<nor> she canna handle it captain! shes breaking up!
<n1> Mavrick!!!!
<arm> its getting a little old.
<n1> mavrick!
<ARM> getting
<n1> maaaavrick!
<ARM> a little
<n1> mavriiiick!
<ARM> Old
<n1> mav...(stops when he sees arms annoyed glare)
<Nor> we're running low on fuel!!!
<n2> i dont know we got a half a.....(lights up) We'll have to recharge the Dylithium Crystals!!!
(camera cuts to inside of green meany)
<elf> i have to go to the bathroom
<elf2>.....allright
(green meany pulls into a shell station)
(cut to inside of white van, norbert is looking out the window)
<nor> Thier gaining on us!!!
<n1> heey a fruit stand
<n2> AllllRight! (pulls over van)
     -fade out on doors opening for inside-
    -fade in from dashboard, fruit bushels are all over-
<n2> were not getting anywhere! im going to have to make the jump to lightspeed!
(camera cuts to speed meter thingy wich gose from 25 to 20 mph)
<n2> oh..thats the brake..(turns to n1) You said it was like the Milinium Falcon! 
this is nothing like the Falcon!
<n1> its..white...
<nor> the Milinum Falcon is OFF-white you idiot!
<n2> its darker than that though,...almost chalk with a beige tint
<n1> Off white?! Biege?! what the hell movie have you been watching???
<nor> get the compendium.
 (n2 pulls over)
(screen blinks)
(now guys are sitting with thier heads in a cirlce over the compendium)
<nor> you see???? it says right here the milinium falcon is OFF WHITE!!!
<n1> who wrote that edition???!!!
<n2> (checks) mike bromagin
<n1> He said bobba fett was from andromeda!!! everyone knows hes from <insert bobba fetts real homeworld>
(n2 pulls back onto road)
spliced scenes of n2 drinking coffee at night whle driving, n1 sleeping, several shots of everyoen but n2 changing spots shots of a calander with days going by, then a scene of n2 driving agian, wich is where we continue...
-Abrupt Stop-
Screeech
<n2> hey i just thought of something! we have no idea where our car is!
<n1> shit! pull over.
(car pulls over, green meany also pulls over)
(elf walkes up to questers and van)
<elf> hey you guys left your car on my front lawn!!
<n2> You Kidnaped us!
<elf> well, yeah but you could have pulled over or something christ allmighty ive been following you guys for days!

 -
more scenes of driving ect.

(they pull in, as promised the car is in the front yard, elf hands over keys, nor takes them and tries to start the car, it backfires and smoke begins pouring out of the tailpipe)
<n1> What did you do to my CAR?!!!!!
<Arm> maybe i can fix it.
(n1 looks pensive) 
<n2> come on, he built those phaser banks from scratch!
<n1> those were NOT built to the orignal starfleet specifications!
<n2> close enough, they blew the hell out of that weather ballon
<arm> weather ballon....yeah.....
<n1> (Begrudgingly) fine. just fix it!. i dont care how.
<elf> come on, lets go get some pizza or something
(n1 turns to elf, looks like hes about to murder him)
<n1> Fine.
(they head off)
<n2> (behind whell) so wheres the closest pizza place?
<elf> about 45 minutes away
<n2> at normal speeds?
<elf> yeah,
<n2> ok shouold takes us a couple of hours then
(camera cuts to yard, pan view)
(arm begins taking all sorts of strange instruments from the ARM van and sets them neatly ina row by
the Questmobile)
(cut to scene of pizza arriving)
(cut to yard, most of the Questmobile is dissasembeled)
(cut to scene of elf chugging a 2 liter of mountain dew, six empty 2 liter bottles are in front of him, Chess Quest is chanting/screaming Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! GO!
(cut to scene of arm installing strange Eq, the car is about 3/4 assembeld. lots of odd new contraptions, spining satilite dishes, flashign lights ect.)
(cut to scene of elf vomiting in large bucked, Questers are chanting Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! GO!)
<nor> i have to go to the bathroom guys... 
<n2> ahahahah(laughing at vomitous elf) ok see ya
(camera cuts to two doors, one leading to the bathroom, and one to the kitchen, norbert heads to the kitchen without hesitation. the camera moves in about a second behind him and looks around nervously, cut to front door, where a large italian chef is entering, the camera pans again, norbert is no where to be found) 
(tense music plays)
(tense music fades into 'Creatures of Rock')
(norbert leaps out from under a counter full of flour sacks, he is covered from head to toe in it and looks quite savage. he leaps upon the chef and knocks him to the floor,  knocking him unconscious, norbert heads to a counter and grabs a 1 pound bag of sugar, in the process he knocks over a tub of spagetti sauce, the sauce flows, and pools around the right hand of the chef, wich is holding a butcher knife, the camera pans again and norbert is long gone)
(cut to picture of norbert on the toilet, with pants down, he is grunting svagly and devouring the entire bag with his bare teeth, making animalistic grunts and growls. he stands up his pants suddenly on, and rips the bag in half, this is a big dramatic scene with dramtic music, the camera focus' on the middle fo the bag and the sugar pouting out from the middle unto the floor)
(camera cuts to Questers table, everyone is laughing ect, norbert grabs keys from the table and storms out the door, the guys shoult hey and run out to the van wich is just pulling out, they manage to get a door open and pile in)
(cut to scene of norbert chugging mountain dew & driving like a mad man, you know those arm things at tools booths? well, he drives right through one)
<nor> GUBMENT!!!!!!!!! *unintelligble* taxes!!!  
( a few seconds later he tosses the bottle out of the window)
(cut to inside of car)
<n2> norbert, we think you have a problem.
<n1> a caffine addiction is nothing to be ashamed of norbert.
<nor> SHUT UP!!! I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT TO!!!!!! (slured speech)
<n2> really?
<nor> Yeah!!!!!
<n2> oh nevermind then.
(now the car is speeding down a city street, they pass a woman on the street?
<nor> hey BABY!!!!!!!!
(cut to scene of cop with norbert doing alchol feild tests, (this is on the highway) questers and elf are in the van, cop puts norbert in the car & walks to the van)
<cop> gentlemen, may i have you na...oh SHIT i forgot the parking break!!!
(cut to inside of backseat of cop car, norbert kicks out the back window and throws himself out of it, he charges uphill, all the time shouting)
<nor> YEEEEAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!
(the cop is running down the hill at the same time norbert is running up, norbert clotheslines him with both handcuffed fists)
<nor> Get your filthy paw off me YOU DAMNED DIRTY APE!!!! (says this as he is running uphill and cop is unconscious behind him)
(norbert dives in the van, in the quickness of the moment we see the cop is lying in the path of the Green Meany, norbert starts to drive)
*Bump*
<n2> what was that?
<nor> nothing.
(n2 hits norbert on the jaw and starts driving)
<n1> wow! did you fear for your life as much as i did?
<n2> not really.
<n1> then why'd you do that?
<n2> i allways wanted to. Im KIRK DAMNIT!!!! i CAPTIAN this hunk of metal, if sulu woudl have gotten drunk and stolen the enterprise, kirk woudl have don the exact same thing.
<n1> still...do you really think that was nessecary??
<n2> (deadpans) no.
---
(cut to scene of green meany pulling into tard, guys drag the unconscious norbert out)
(arm is putting the finishing touches on the Nc-17001Q lettering on the front of the questmobile)
<arm> (back turned) i added some slight modifactions, now it may stall a bit in warp three, if that happens you jest fire up them rear thrusters.
(chess quest is agast)
(arm walks by the silent, slack jawed questers, pating n2 on the back as he pass's by)
<n2> (looks at controlls)  damn, this is like the voyager bridge
<n1> so?
<n2> so i never memorized the voyager bridge. you drive it.
<n1> im not star fleet certified, you are.
<n2> that dosent change the fact that i have no idea how to drive this thing! i dont knwo the aft shileds from the photon torpedo tubes!
<n1> so whos driving??
(they rock paper sicor, n2 wins)
<n2> you allways pick rock! damnit! why must you pick rock and beat me every time???
<n1> i lost this time
<n2> thats a matter of conjecture
<n2> maybe theres a manual....
<n1> i brought the guide the starfleet vechiles.
<n2> give to daddy (in flat, musclehead voice)
-flash to scene on road-\
(a car is headed straight for them, everyoen is asleep except n2, who is driving)
<n2> ok...turning....(looks at book in lap, back at car, back at lap)
<n2> ah! here we go
(Questmobile turns, narrowly avoiding an accedent)
<n1> (muttering in sleep) ...mavrick....
<n2> i wonder what THIS button dose
(several cacti are obliterated)
<n2> ok.....
(puts white lable over button, titles it "cactus obliterator"
<n2> at least the tape decks still here. 2 eject buttons though......
(camera cuts to dashboard, centering on a switch, a big 70's era switch, there are three options, "keyboard" "joystick" "wheel")
(n2 swiches to joystick, he press the top button and the car brakes, sweves sideways ect)
(swiches to keyboard, an ansii van is shown driving on the monitor. hand is shown pressing f3, star trek computer hailing noise is heard.)
<n2> computer...is there a coffee machine ob board?
<com> tube to your left
<n2< (get right tube and puts it in his mouth)
(pulls it out for a second)
<n2> give me...klingon ratijino
(nasty looking black fluid spurts out)
<n2> Thats oil fluid!!!
<com> tube to your LEFT!
<n2> its oil fluid!!!
<com> tube to your LEFT!
<n2> its oil fluid!!!
<com> tube to your LEFT!
<n2> its oil fluid!!!
<n2> oh..my RIGHT... (looks down at tube spilling coffee all over the floor)
<n2> Shit!
<com> replicating...4rth tube to your right
<n2> NO!!Dont... computer stop everything!!
-everything dissapears but car and a green grid.
<n2> damn...thats erie..(looking out window)
<n2> computer! resume prior....simulation?
-everything blinks back-
(n2 checks fuel gage, wich is low)
<n2> a gas powered warp drive....
-(pulls into station, attendent is in wheelchair or lawn chair depending on how insensitive we are)
<n2> (talking to attendent) nice town ya got here. looks real quiet (looks quiet? heh.)
<gas monkey> yeah but dont let it fool ya none. this towns full of dark secrtets.
<n2> like what?
<gm> like moider brother,.....like moider
<n2> moider?
<gm> yeah! just tody this fat guy drops dead in the red rose deli, said he had chest pains
<n2> well maybe it was a heart attack
<gm> yeah thats what the doc said. but dont let him fool ya none. 'coz i know what really kilt him!
<n2> posin? bad pimiento loaf?
<gm> NO! someone stabed him to death! it was one o' them invincipal govenment moiders!
<n2> invincipal.
<gm> yeah! invincipal cause you cant seem em
^or just scratch this scene and insert gas station TOS scene in here instead
<gm> that'll be twenty even brother
(n2 hands the money and drives off)
(gm is stil holding nozzel of gas pump)
-pull back-
(gm is still sitting in chair, muttters:)
<gm> like moider brother...like modier...( squeezes pump unwittingly, gas pours out)
-pull in-
-dog barks-
<gm> whats that girl?
-bark-
<gm> yeah.
-bark-
<gm> yeah i got ya.
-bark-
<gm> yeah. ok. uh huh..purify the evil doers and bath the eather in the purity of bllodshed eh? (666 from spontainious combustion put seritepitously here) 
-bark-
<gm> yeah allrighty. hey what time is all in the family on?
-bark-
<gm> 6 o clock? great!
-pull back, the attendent is STILL squezing nozzel, gas is pouring all over the place
(n2 pulls into coffee shop)
<n2> hey wake up im sick of driving
<n1> good. im sick of you.
<n2> take some midol you silly bitch and lets get some coffee. ive got something to talk about.
-both walk into shop, norbert sleeping in the back seat-
<n1> so...
<n2> so what?
<n1> so whats so importaint that you have to drag me from my sleep
<n2> (stirs coffee) 47
<n1> 47?
<n2> 47. have you ever noticed how many times 47 appears in star trek?
--                                                                                            --
-- insert convo about 47 & its frequnt trek apperances--
--                                                                                            --
(car heads back)
(driving along they pass an abandoned shack)
<nor> hey pull over for a second
(car pulls over, all head to old shack)
<nor> looks like an old prospectors place
<n2> i thought the gold rush was dead
<nor> well, it is, for the most part, but buildings last forever in the desert
<n1> maybe theres a vintage commodore 64 in there!
(opens door and enters)
(all follow n1)
(doors shut, locking behind them)
<n1> shite! (attempts to pull open door)
<n2> maybe its just jamed
(looks out window to find a huge steel bolt somehow drawn across the doors the veiw of him looking out ois from outside the shack & in dust bowl style)
<n2> i think were going to be stuck here for awhile....
<nor> christ im hot.
(all three start shaking the door and banging on it)
<n1> no ones going to hear us from the highway anyways
<all threee turn with thier backs to the door, they are swearing buckets and emotionally shaken)
<nor> oh god.. this is all my fualt, we never should have stoped
<n1> yeah... it is all your fualt! stupid...blame ..guy!
<n2> shut up. just shut up! you cant accept it! you just cant accept it!
<n1> accept what?!!
<n2> the impossibly breadth and depth of your won stupidity!! your inate selfishness!!!!
(they fall to the floor, grappeling, in the process of wich they fall through a rickety trap door, they hit on the landing of a staircase, the sit up, facing a steel door, fortunatly it is unlocked, they push through it and norbert is seen follwoing the in a behind view)
(the camera then pans on a glitzy, golden/crystal/champagne room, there are chandilers, and a stage, and a bar, on the stage hitler, l ron hubbard and barry goldwater are dancing' in a 3 man chorus line. they pulll the questers onto stage and all start chours dancing with them,)
-fade into a scenes of hands toasting champagne glasses,  confetti being thrown, wine bottle sbing uncorked, trombones bieng played ect. this scene is silent.-
-fade out- 
the camera opens on a black screen wich says "somewhere in a cornfield, northern ohio" then moves to the left, all guys are sleeping, this is a beatiful scene , the birds are singing and the sun is rsiing, the soudn of the birds is louder and louder
<n2> (gets up, looks around him at the beatifull scene, looking awe sturck amazed, lifts his hands to the sky and says) Shut up!!!! AHHHHH LET ME SLEEP GODAMNIT!!!!!
(the others wake up gradually, and look aroudn them, they all group in a circle, standing)
(the camera follows the back of a police officer in full uniform, headed towards the questers)
<cop> why arent you boys in school?!
<n1> its 6 am
<nor> its summer
<n2> we dont live here.
<n1> why are you in a corn field anyways?
<n2> and wheres the corn? this is a corn field byu the title cards but all i see is green grass 
<cop> those are all valid, to the point questions. now get in the squad car before i beat you into an unitelligble sobbing mass of blood and muscle pulp and broken bones
<nor> what squad car?
---------scene opens in a classroom--------
(camera looks at kid in corner, reading book and taking notes, is a history book (anchient greece0 and we hear him muttering to himself)
(camera then moves to the three guys)
(camera then follows girl walking up to desk)
<grl>can i borrow an eraser mrs kovarick?
<k> your not going to stab me with it are you? are you???!!!
<grl> no....i dont think so
(k hands girl a chalkboard eraser)
<grl> thanks
(camera cuts to norbert writing, who breaks his pencil)
<nor> third pencil! aaargh!!!! (breaks pencil with some effort)
(walks up to desk)
<nor> mrs kovarik, can i borrow a pen?
<k> your not going to..CLAP THAT IN MY FACE ARE YOU???HMMM????COVER MY FACE IN CHALK DUST?????
<nor> i dont think it will come to that, no.
<k> then here you are.
(hands pen over)
-----------
next there will be a school riot, but i am still working on it, however i have the general ideas, this is what i have worked out so far, i will hopefull have this in script form for you tommorow, if time permits.
school riot:
pens??!! pens!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!! mrs kovarik is beset by children clapping pencils 
together and stabbing her with black board erasers, cut to scene of kid
stabbing himself in the eyes with dual pens, another snorting chalkboard dust,
kids using battering table on door, wich is unlocked, so they shove out
rather ungainfully and land in a pile on the hall, then scenes of kids shouting
attica! attica! attica!
ted kopple is in front of burning school : coloma high school wwas beset today by rioting students
a kid runs past kopple shouting "QUADRAPHEENIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
cop bursts onto scene in school yard where norbert is sitting in a throne, 
grabs him by the collar and drags him,
<nor> Get yer Stinkin  paws off me you damn dirty ape!!!
< n1> My rowdy freind!!!!
(the guys follow,  and wrest norbert from the policemans grasp, a car chase
ensues, this time its a fast one.)

N1 is behind the wheel, ever the rebel, he is driving fourty five miles an hour
<N2> Shit! He’s going to catch us!!!!
N1 grins, laughs! Yes! He laughs in the face of danger AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-ha.  
N1: I have a plan.
N2: well, do it! Now! Theres no time to lose man! She’s not gonna take much more’a this
N1: jesus keep your uniform on, timing is critica-
Nor: DEAR GOD HES RIGHT BEHIND US!!!!!!! MY LIFE IS OVER! ILL NEVER GET INTO MIT!
N1: timing is cri
N2: Hurry!
N1: (almost too calmly) timing is critical. 
( a road is quickly approaching)
N1: ok, here we go, (signals left)
N2: DIABOLICAL!!!!!!  Your plan is to turn LEFT!!!! He never catch us now!!!! What with our advanced turning abilities and power steering and so-forth.
N1: Ha-HA!  Little do you, the novice observer, know of the myraid complexieties of The Plan
(N1 turns RIGHT! DIABOLICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(the policeman goes straight! Dia- well. Yeah. )
(n1 and the guys drive on for about a quarter of a mile and then stop, inexplicably, to talk)
(n2 claps n1 on the back)
N2: Genius! Absolute genius!
Nor: I cant belive that’s over
N1: (amazed) I can’t belive that worked
(Suddenly! A huge formation of police cars shows up in the backround, the guys look back
N2: not prison again!
(all guys sling soap on a rope over their necks. Sodomy?! In a chess movie!? Its practiclly a tradition!)
(all three are taken into a car)
--------end scene------
--------begin scene-------
(scene opens in the police car pulling into a gated in area place, you know where they take prisnors and stuff before a trial)
(front gate says “Ronald Regan Correctional Facilty, the car pases by a very well manicured lawn, the three are taken up prison stairs and led to a single cell, the camera pans around, in rather neat, uptight looking handwriting, is some grafetti “olliver north was here”